Friday was particularly difficult. I wrote and deleted the post about 4 different times before deciding to wait a few days before trying again. I want this blog to be an outlet, an online journal of real thoughts, but I also don’t want it to be a downer, or cause undue concern from my loved ones that do read it! Friday morning was supposed to be a routine ovary check following red death’s arrival. Initially we thought we would take a month off because of some travel schedules, but then everything seemed to line up ok time wise. Turns out the vessel had other plans. The exam hurt. Physically really bad (and would soon emotionally too) and I almost immediately knew something was wrong. The cyst is back. Cyst= no go on fertility drugs, heavy disastrous red death, minimal chance of natural pregnancy while it’s there. Eff you body, Eff you. Then comes the call almost immediately after from my regular nurse confirming what the examining nurse saw. I was barely holding myself together at this point, sitting in the driveway in tears seemed completely logical. Based on the size of the cyst (they can let them go away on their own—be it one month, 5 months, etc. treat them with BC, remove them surgically etc.) the doctor felt my best bet was to go back on birth control immediately. FEELS.SO.DEFEATING. It’s everything contradictory to what we’ve spent years trying to do, and the fact that my body refuses to cooperate is enough to make me want to rip my hair out. I know the birth control is short term (ideally 1-2 months) and expedites the speed of the cyst going away, but it’s disheartening knowing that even while slim, I at least had a CHANCE of naturally conceiving before and I’ve now taken that off the table for the time being. I also forgot how nauseous new BC can make you feel <gag>.
But that was Friday. And I had my pity party. I didn’t end up going to work, I went home and got in my bed instead. I had a tear-fest and pity ate. My midafternoon I felt slightly better. Time to end the pity party. Everyone needs a good hormone induced cry every now and then, but I also refuse to wallow in it. I picked up the Rx which I reluctantly started on Saturday and am focused on moving forward.
In other news, I’ve this week become obsessed with the Bastille Album “Bad Blood”. I am hormonal and moody, so probably listening to sappy music is a no-no, however I got sucked in and was glad I did! In honor of the 4th wedding anniversary coming up, I will share with you a snippet from Laughter Lines. I am reminded that the promise was for better or for worse and that having a good partner means loving you
even especially at your worst.
I’ll see you in the future when we’re older
and we are full of stories to be told.
Cross my heart and hope to die,
I’ll see you with your laughter lines.