Freaking the F**k Out

So the week of the final consult has finally arrived. I AM excited and looking forward to it, BUT I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t also freaking the fuck out. You wanted honesty right? Shit is about to get real. Real real. I think that’s ok though to have some mini-spazz attacks about it. I actually think if you’re about to take this physical and financial plunge and you AREN’T nervous, than you’re actually the fucked up one. PC and I are both taking a half day from work Thursday since the appointment will be long(ish). They will be doing some more blood-work on me, as well as some cervical and uterine measurements via catheter. We will sign our final consent forms, get a plan for our meds together and put together a final schedule and master plan. Mostly it makes me excited about what that actually means in the end even though I am full of anxiety and nerves about the ACTUAL process. The “break through bleeding” finally stopped. I put it in quotes because that was crap. It wasn’t off and on at all, it ended up being a two week long period, but I will count my blessings, it’s gone. As I continue on in my week-long freak out, I am comforted at least by the fact that we’ve had some really supportive friends and family along the way, including some insight from an IVF mama herself, so I feel good about having the resources that we might need/ want at the tip of our fingers.

I’ve done a pretty solid job (in my opinion at least) keeping our whole personal life and work life separate even though I work in a small office which can be tough. For the most  part, people in my office would be very supportive of the choices we are making, but I would prefer to keep it separate for a multitude of reasons. I don’t want every cross eye that I give to be dismissed as a bad mood or because I am on “the meds”, nor do I want sorrow or pity if for any reason it doesn’t pan out as we want. Last, I am trying to be courteous to others in our office that may want kids of their own and aren’t at the same place yet, or have had losses along the way. Once you realize that getting or staying pregnant isn’t easy for everyone, you suddenly become a lot  more conscious of what you share/don’t share in a small confined space.

So keep sending your prayers, jujus and energy. I promise not to self implode by Thursday and will update once we have a final plan in place!

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