Every New Beginning Comes from Some Other Beginning’s End

This week was a tough one. I hope if I live 1000 more years that I never again have to go to another child/baby funeral/memorial service. Selfishly it was brutal to sit through and not something I want to repeat. Unselfishly, it was something I hope no one we know ever has to do again. I will spare you all the details both out of privacy to the parents and also to spare the sadness of overthinking such a thing.

It wasn’t my place to feel conflicted, but I did. It seems sort of fucked up to be thinking it at the time, the logical part of me realizes it has nothing to do with me…but here we are going to our final consult, about to start what will be our greatest dream, while trying to be supportive of someone going through easily their worst nightmare. So there’s that.

 I am going backwards…back to the consult. I have another cyst. Seriously. Being back on BCP was supposed to make sure none of those bad boys formed, but I guess I am special. Anyhow, the doctor wasn’t overly concerned because it wasn’t huge, and because the first 10 days of injections lowering estrogen levels will clear that bad boy up. They drew some blood to see just how much it might be affecting my estrogen levels—they might have to adjust meds accordingly, but nothing that will hold up the progress. Once the exam was over, PC and I sat with the doctor and discussed all of our “choices”. Some people have issues with fertilizing all eggs, storing frozen eggs vs. just embryos, etc. so you have to have a sit-down about what we are comfortable with and then sign all the consent paperwork. I totally support other people’s choices don’t get me wrong, but for me—if I had ethical issues with mixing God and Science, I wouldn’t even be entertaining IVF. The nurse walked through all the different types of needles and injections we will be using. Some seemed familiar from the IUI treatments, others not so much. I will only need PC’s help with the Progesterone Oil injections which are these monster intermuscular needles that have to go in the butt cheek. All the others are much smaller sub-cutaneous needles that go in your belly fat that I can do myself. I have NO problem with needles, PC on the other hand is a little nervous. The nurse kindly offered when the time comes for those to mark my ass cheeks up with sharpies so that he has a target to aim for. Swell. Silver lining, it’s not bathing suit season. To be honest, the shots don’t make me nervous, I am in a sick way somewhat fascinated by it all. Snarky offered to come help if PC struggled, but I think he will be fine. The hardest part for him will be feeling like he’s hurting me. This is a guy that doesn’t even want to push down too hard on a muscle knot you can’t reach in your shoulder in fear of hurting you. Snarky isn’t much better with needles and after talking to my mom, turns out she isn’t 100% positive she could give someone else a shot. I don’t have the bedside manner to be a nurse, or the patience with whiny people, or the ability to not gag on most smelly things (I am sure that will get better with parenthood right?!?). If it wasn’t for all those things, maybe I would have been a nurse because I don’t mind the idea of stabbing others with needles. Some people more than others. In case you’re wondering, yes I realize I have moments where I am a terrible person.

In brighter news, as most people in the US hate their insurance right about now, our insurance coverage (knock on wood) continues to be phenomenal and a welcome surprise. The cost for the anesthesia and the Rx’s are still TBD (waiting on the pharmacy now to get all the authorizations etc.) and could run $3000-$5000. Hoping we have some “surprise” coverage on those as well. The anesthesia for the egg retrieval will be billed separate. Pretty sure we have coverage for that, but worst case would be another $500. I never thought I would just blink over $500—I mean I am cheap, and I value shop underwear– but in the realm of things that seems pretty reasonable? This process makes you delusional. Anyhow, we were nervously waiting for our “out of pocket” requirement on the actual IVF, including ICIS for at least 50% of any eggs. I anticipated it being several thousand dollars and PC and I have saved accordingly. My parents have also offered to help if/when needed, but I really was hoping to be able to cover the expenses ourselves round #1 (in hopes it’s the one and only round!) at least. Turns out that the out of pocket was $682! Say what?!?!?! Best news ever. I was so excited to actually pay that bill that it’s already done. I hope everything works out as planned a) because we’d really like this baby thing to pan out b) I am getting impatient and c) I don’t want PC’s company to realize our coverage was a mistake or something and take it away. I am continuing to try to wean down the coffee. I’ve been drinking a whole lot of “Tension Tamer Tea”. It doesn’t tame shit just so you know, but it’s caffeine free and it tastes good. We have a wedding this weekend and while the nurse said “Don’t get drunk” she said I wasn’t banned from a cocktail yet and to “enjoy it while I can”.

So now we wait for the insurance update on the Rx, but in the next 7-10 days we should start the suppressants. Then within 10 days of that will start official treatment day 1. Everyone including myself wants an official time-table. There isn’t one. It could be a 4 week, 8 week, 12 week progress depending on how well I respond to the medications individually, but at least we are lined up and ready to roll. Lap bars down and fastened, hands in the air, and here we gooooooooooooooo!

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