Emotional Poodle

PC has been pretty complimentary at how “not crazy” I have been through pregnancy. You hear these husbands with horror stories about what psychopaths their partners turned into, and for the most part I’ve been opposite and pretty relaxed. That was until Tuesday when the crazy hit. I did too much googling and got myself all worked up about the impending specialist visit set for Wednesday. So yesterday, I met with the MFM (MFM-Material Fetal Medicine) specialist and the emotional freak-out/breakdown/train-wreck continued. I won’t lie, I was disappointed in his bedside manner overall—and one of the reasons that I feel like nurses are so much more likable than doctors. Most of our friends we know that have had to see MFM doctors in the past have loved them and felt very attended to. I felt like he wanted to go home (it was after all, 4:30, two hours after my appointment time was scheduled). Trust me, I wanted to go home too. I felt like he wouldn’t listen to me as a person and not just a chart. I felt like he was treating me like one of the herd. When we first were diagnosed with GD, I took it very seriously and started charting blood sugar #’s right away. He had a copy of these. Over the last two weeks (and one week since our class) the numbers have gotten steadily better. He didn’t have a copy of those yet, and seemed annoyed that I wanted to share those with him. He said things like “you’re not doing well with the fasting #’s, you don’t have ONE normal one”. I asked if there were things outside of what I was doing that could help those (remember, my after meal numbers are right on pace) to which he said no. Thinking a better way of phrasing that would be “the numbers in the morning still look high” not “YOU ARE FAILING” which is what I was hearing. There were obscenely obese pregnant women in the lobby sipping on soda cups from Five Guys and it was like he’d grouped me in with them…like I didn’t care or made ignorant choices for myself in this child up to this point. Periodically he would remind me, that it’s not in my control and not to beat myself up, but by that point the wounding was already done. Baby Poodle is measuring big. He’s at the 4 lb. mark when most are at 3lbs. at 30 weeks and change. The good news is, he’s consistently big. I mean he does have a mom that’s 5’10” and a dad that is 6’5”. They worry apparently when they are only big in the belly for instance because that’s a sign the diabetes is what is making them too round. So at least he’s not a big belly, he’s big all over. The bad news is, he’s big. Mr. MFM not so eloquently explained that will likely mean a C-section vs. a vaginal birth for us (although not set in stone, Baby Poodle’s pace at this point strongly indicates that). Tons of women I know have had C-sections and I’ve never thought they were “less of a woman” or any kind of failure. But when it all of sudden it is facing us, I felt absolutely defeated. Snarky and my mom both talked me down a bit yesterday afternoon—as I had a total cry-fest that I failed at so much in terms of pregnancy. Couldn’t get pregnant on my own. FAIL. Bled through the first trimester. FAIL. Gestational Diabetes. FAIL. Likely C-section. FAIL. They put be back in check. They both reminded me, each of those things are not a fail, but obstacles that so far PC and I have overcome. They reminded me that I am stronger than I felt in those low moments the last two days. Ultimately, I just want baby poodle here safe and sound—I don’t care what I have to endure to get that done, I just don’t want any repercussions for him. PC stopped and picked up some carb friendly treats and a book for me and one for baby Poodle too as a way to lift my spirits. He once again reminded me of how proud he is of me in this process, something ALL women deserve to hear. I am once again humbled at the supporters in my corner.

 I will be starting on night time insulin based on the doctor’s advice tonight. I met with the same woman who taught the GD class last week (this morning) and went over all of that. She is much more human. She advocated for me to start on a lower dose (based on the fact that my current #’s are so much better!) and the MFM Dr. thankfully agreed with her suggestions. He cared about the current readings when it wasn’t me presenting them it seems. They will closely monitor those for the next month (adjusting up to two times/week if necessary) and then I will go back to visit again early in October. In the interim, we will continue to see our regular OBGYN every two weeks as scheduled and hope that we can continue to keep the gestational diabetes AND the emotional wreckage in check!



6 thoughts on “Emotional Poodle

  1. From the outside it’s so much easier to recognise that the things you describe aren’t failures in the least but simply unfortunate realities that many, many women face. I think reading honest stories like yours reminds us to be kinder to ourselves too. Thank you. And good luck!

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