All The Feels

   
 We are coming up almost to a year exactly since our first IVF injections began. A year ago, our hopes and dreams were held in the “what ifs” and our future as a family of more than two was uncertain. I’ve thought for months about what I might ever say to our doctor and nurses if/when we crossed paths again. I sent their office a Christmas card/birth announcement and a short note on the back, and I could barely stop crying long enough to think of the right words to express our gratitude. Today, I returned to the clinic for the first time since we were released to our OB/GYN so many months ago. There were four women waiting for their appointments in the lobby, and I felt my eyes begin to get a little bit teary. It’s been almost a year since we sat where they sit, but I could not help feeling the emotions running right back. None of their stories will be the same, none of their stories will be just like ours, but the common goal for all of us is the same. Everyone that visits there shares the same desire to be a mom and for whatever reason has some speed bumps in their path to motherhood. I was escorted into the back offices to fill out the necessary paperwork to have our embryos transferred to long-term storage. I fought the urge to apologize to the women sitting there. I wanted to explain that I was not parading a 12 week old baby in front of them to add to their heart ache. I fought the urge to share with them, that here with me, was the proof that sometimes the struggle is worth it–that not just fairytales have happy endings. I kept silent and eyes down instead. <get it together Poodle> I was fine while the nurses ooooed and awwwed over BP. He was on his best behavior (he saved the screaming just for me on the at ride home). My doctor normally works in their satellite office but happened to be on site and came out to say hello. I said nothing. Instead I immediately burst into tears. I eventually squeaked out a thank you, but I hope the tears replaced my need for words. How do you thank someone for bringing your greatest dream to life? How do you thank someone for bringing an end to your darkest days? How do you thank someone for encouraging you on when you’re so ready to quit? The look in his eyes said he knew and that he understood without my mouth having to form the words. The money has got to be good in reproductive medicine, but I also like to believe in the good of people and that the positive outcomes are really the motivation of why a doctor picks this field. So now I am snuggling up with our little miracle baby, attempting a blog post on my iPhone via voice to text. All of the feels. What a difference one single year can make.